It has been nearly 6 weeks since he left. Sometimes it feels like it was a decade ago, other times it seems as if it were just yesterday. I'm not even sure what it is I am mourning anymore. What is it that I miss? I know now that he isn't the he I thought he was. All this time, I have been bending over to please this man...I changed the things about myself that he didn't approve of, I stopped talking to the people he felt were "toxic" or "diseased", I honestly believed that I was becoming a better person because of him. I felt indebted to him for helping me to see the light. In actuality, what he has done, or subconsciously tried to do, is drain from me everything that makes me me. What he has left in it's place is a whole lot of nothing...empty promises, dashed hopes and dreams, broken faith, self doubt.
Looking back on the relationship, I see the web of deceit and manipulation he weaved. I can see it all very clearly, now. It was all right there in front of me....all along. He had expressed to me that he admired the way I felt compassion and sorrow for others. He said that he didn't understand it, it was just something he had never known. He often explained how love didn't really exist, it was just an illusion. At no point did I think there was something wrong with him for feeling this way. It actually made me feel more special for having the ability to feel these emotions on such a deep level and for being able to share it with someone who so desperately needed it. If anything, I thought he was just overly analytical, a logical thinker. I, being the idealist, could use a little of that...or so he said. And after all, he was so intelligent and insightful...of course he knew what was best for me, right?
Though I did begin to recognize some peculiar behaviors very early in the relationship, I always found a way to rationalize them. I made excuses for him. When he talked badly about people, which he did CONSTANTLY, I just assumed that those people didn't understand him like I did. Anytime he hurt me...screamed in my face, called me names, put me down, left me stranded somewhere, told me he hated me, told me everyone else hated me... I thought that he was reaching out for help. I just wanted to help him! What I didn't realize is that there is no way to help him.
When he met me, I was a warm, compassionate, outgoing person. I loved meeting people and I treated everyone I met with kindness. He said he loved that about me. Of course, there were a few people that he warned me about...people that I shouldn't speak to, so I didn't. I now understand that these were people who had already shown him that they weren't falling for his shit...anymore. He was no longer "top dog" in their eyes, so they were of no use to him. There were several others throughout the relationship...people he'd cast aside for not showing him the adoration he desired/demanded. Sometimes it was simply because they were better than him at something (usually had to do with music), yet he would NEVER admit that. Over the course of the relationship, sadly, I became more and more like him. He would tell me that the encounters I would have with people weren't what I thought they were. Either the other person had ulterior motives (using me) or he knew that they really thought _____ about me behind my back. I began to doubt myself and how others viewed me. He was slowly chipping away my self esteem. I also learned to just go along with what he said....otherwise, there would be a huge ordeal. Though, sometimes there would STILL be a huge ordeal just by doing what he said. (I'd love to tell the 'loud neighbor' story) Either way, I was beginning to not like people. Those who knew me noticed the change. I didn't answer phone calls or return emails. I passed up on invitations...until the invitations finally stopped coming.
Toward the end, he had alienated me from my life, my friends, his family (who I loved very much) and tried for months to get me to quit my job. I love what I do! And I am damn good at it. He told me that my boss didn't care about me, that I didn't make enough money and that my work schedule interfered with raising my kids. I teach driver education, so I have to work in the evenings, that doesn't leave much time with my kids during the week. I'll admit, that was beginning to bother me. He almost had me convinced. In retrospect, I see that a loving, supportive partner wouldn't have pushed me to dump the career that I had worked hard to build (I was preparing to take over the business), he would have done whatever it took to prevent that from happening. I wasn't too keen on the idea, because I had already heard ALL about his ex who stayed home "on her fat, lazy, gold-digging ass" while he footed the bill. He badmouthed her pretty regularly, but I always took up for her. Of course she was to blame for their relationship not working out.... it had nothing to do with the constant abuse he put her through.
When he broke up with me, it was completely unexpected! He came here with his Aunt (who he claimed he didn't want anything to do with for many reasons; she's a worthless human being, she tries to have sex with him right under her husband's nose, she can't manage her own life so she uses him to do it for her, whatever ridiculous crap he would come up with on a daily basis) as his "witness". He yelled and screamed obscenities in my face, I did some yelling back but mostly pleading with him to stop. I couldn't understand why he was doing it. We didn't have a fight or anything, though we should have after he had lied to me. I was a well trained servant who knew better than to point out any of his flaws, so I didn't want to talk about it until I had a well thought out plan. I always had think carefully about how I worded things. It didn't matter this time. He was already done with me.
He didn't bother saying goodbye to my kids. They both had birthdays this month... do you suppose he wanted to wish them a happy birthday? My younger son is so torn up over it. He has trouble sleeping now, he's extremely clingy and he has been baby talking. This has shattered his confidence and his sense of security. He cries often. I don't know what to say to him other than "I know you miss him, I wish I had some answers, but I don't." Today he said "If you guys try not to fight, could you bring him back?" I told him that I could not. The information that I have read has helped me to make sense of what happened, but how do I help my kids to make sense of it?
We haven't heard from him, he is completely detached. When he first left, I tried to reach him with a letter and a few text messages. I told him "I understand we all feel overwhelmed sometimes" and that we shouldn't throw away what we had over something so trivial...yadayadayada. I wish I never would have sent them. He is a sick, twisted son of a bitch. I remind myself of that each time I start to feel sorry for him.
The more I tell this story, the more it will help me to make sense of this and hopefully begin to rebuild what he took from me. Whether anyone reads it or not.