Monday, September 21, 2009

Mr. 80 Percent.

At this point, I hate to admit that the pain still haunts me. I hate to admit that I still think of him everyday. But I do. Whenever I start to think about the would haves or the should haves, I turn to this blog to remind myself of the turmoil that this relationship has caused. Quite honestly, it's the only way I can keep from missing him. There...I said it.

I'm fully aware that anything this man ever said to me was a complete and total lie. It was all a facade. I know that, now. But the feelings that I felt were real. The dreams I shared were real. And at the time, I thought his were real too. It honestly felt real to me. More real than anything I'd known. He even wrote that bullshit song for me. He cried while he sang it. How was I not to believe him? He said that being with me and my boys gave his life meaning. He finally had purpose, something he'd never had before. Those two statements I actually believe to be true. His life has no purpose. That's why he leached onto mine. That's why he moved under my roof, ate my food and took advantage of my love and generosity.

Looking back, I realize that there were several red flags that I completely ignored. Originally, this post contained a list of some of them, but I removed them because I didn't want this to sound like an ex-bashing rant. I guess I was always aware of the flags, I watched them wave right in front of my face, but dismissed them to see where the relationship would go. I figured that since he had a secure job, a great driving record and didn't do drugs, he couldn't be all that bad; he at least deserved a chance. Those other things were just minor. He was my Mr. 80% (according to Dr. Phil's Love Smart). I could whip him right into shape in no time. Besides that, I was crazy about him. The problem with turning a blind eye to those red flags is that eventually they come back to haunt you. I'm sure that had I known more about pathological behavior prior to that relationship, it would have saved me from a world of hurt and an ocean of tears.